Friday, June 7, 2013

The pre-E3 coaching post thing!

  You mite have read those “E3 wish list” articles before but this ones different because 1) I say so and B) this isn't about what I want to see as much as what I think the big three need to convince people to buy their little box. People are much more skeptical about next-gen hardware this time. many “console” games run and look great on my PC.  Many business analysts even say that mobile is the be-all end-all future of videogames. (Which is ridiculous but that's another topic for another blog thing.) If you disagree with me, post a comment about it by rolling your face on the keyboard. But remember that I'm never wrong (except when I'm incorrect.)

  Oh, one more thing before I start though. . . This is like, coaching and stuff. . . So only read my “advice” for the company are most invested in emotionally by highlighting the wall of text below their name. No peeking or I'll know. . .


  Your fucked. The kind of people who watch the "Price Is Right" will never buy something branded Xbox. Also, they know what Halo is and they don't care and Steven Spielberg doesn't change shit about it. Everything you said so far makes the Xbox One the sum of all gamers fears. A 1985 playground run by big brother where you can have fun as long as the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo says so. Use whatever you have, and I mean WHATEVER you have, too pull their attention away from it.
  You need exclusives more than Sony and even Nintendo. After all, everyone heated Steam when it started, A but put up with it just to play Half-Life 2. They need to cover a broader range of tastes too. Multiplayer shooters won't be enough this time.
  You also need to convince everyone that your focus on TV is justified. So far you haven't been clear about how the Xbox One makes TV better. You especially need to be clear how the Xbox One is better at watching TV than the Wii U.
   You could also remove most or all of the restrictions on sharing games, allow the system to play games without an Internet connection and allow the system to operate without a Kinect sensor.  Most consumers would forgive you if you did.

  Also, set a reasonable price for the damn thing.


  You need to convince people that they wanted the social networking features all long. This is the age of Facebook and YouTube, of let's plays and tournament streams. More and more people are watching the Game Grumps and Legal Legends tournaments. Show people how you're going to facilitate it. Make sure it streams and captures video at a good resolution and frame rate. Make sure they can edit it on  there PC. Reassure people that strangers won't watch them masturbate with that WebCam (you can't get away with it, you're not Ceiling Cat.)

  Also, a lot of people think that streaming is not a good enough for backwards compatibility. Either convince everyone that you've got fast, high-bandwidth servers in everyone's closet or don't talk about it. If you going to give up on streaming, fans made good PSX and PS2 emulators for the X86 architecture. Use them. The volunteers who work on them might even help you do it.

  The Vita is important to. It needs more games and a price cut, to both the hardware and the memory cards. Indie games are cool but you need more of those big "console like" games that smartphones and tablets can't handle. The iPad was laughed off as a giant iPhone when it first hit the market. Convince people that the Vita has luxuries over the iPhone or the iPad.

  Also, set a reasonable price for the damn thing.


 You need to cut the price of the Wii U. It starts at $300 for only 8 GB. What if Sony and Microsoft's systems start at that? You're offering similar features from both so you'll have to undercut them to be competitive.

  Pikmin 3 and a new Smash Bros. is a good start but you still need more. Make sure you have at least two big new games that we haven't seen yet. Ideally make one of them a brand we haven't seen in a while; like F-Zero. It's been 10 years since F-Zero GX so a new game is bound to feel fresh and exciting. Or maybe something else like. . . I don't know Mother 3 or something. . .

  You should also take some time to explain Nintendo TVii and Miiverse. TVii makes me understand what Microsoft is trying to do a SmartGlass except you got it right; like your haunted by the ghost of Steve Jobs or something. With Miiverse you have a Reddit clone for every TV show movie and game I like; complete with silly doodles! (Well, Wii U games anyway.) Point is that Nintendo TVii looks really cool to the average (non-gamer) consumer. You should flaunt it. You should flaunt it like a peacock hooker. You also want to expand its reach to other big entertainment providers like Crackle and smaller ones like Crunchyroll.

  You did a phenomenal job turning around the 3DS. Any more big game announcements would be overkill. Go for overkill. Overkill is fun.

This one goes to all three

Keep the casual games to a minimum. Show one or two and take just enough time to explain what they are, then move on. The people who are going to early adapt to your new products to care about them. The average customer will still find out about them through the mainstream news.
 Expect the next year to be a little slow. People will hold out for whatever there killer app happens to be or a price drop (or saving up.) Business analysts and computer engineers who know nothing about video games will continue doomsaying. They're mostly stupid. Valve is a bigger threat than Apple.  What can your little box do that I can't already do on your old little box or my PC. If you don't have a good answer to that. . . I don't know, eat your ass goodbye or something. . .

 Cheating bastard. . .

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